Path Work ~ Search and Surrender

Today's walk started on the woods trails. I built these trails.  Except for an occasional bit of chainsaw work the trails are my project.  I keep them open and occasionally expand the network.  The trails work began when my son started Kindergarten.  I found I had a bit of extra time and I wanted trails.  I love to be and work in the woods.  I tend to stay on the path.  Today I was thinking of the idea of path. Why is that we tend towards this order and ease. I crossed the path of deer.  They too seem to stick to their repeated track.  Staying on track, follow your path, the path of least resistance....

I came to the were the trail ended in the field and decided it was time to turn off the beaten track.  A little wandering was warranted on this lovely day.  The walking conditions were very good the bit of snow was well packed and frozen. A turn....

As I wandered so did my thoughts.  I had no destination in mind just whichever way I could get though.  I saw a few interesting sights...

 a yellow leaf cradling snow

a captured pine cone

Then a thought came to me.  A couple of years ago when I had wandered off the trails I had found the remnants of a fort built by my son.  Not really a fort.  It was a pallet and a rope hanging off a branch.  I was surprised to find it then.  I thought I had known of all his doings in the woods.  But this was a secret place.  Today I wanted to find it.  It was a strong desire.  A mini obsession.  I just wanted to see it.  I know it must still be there.

I went though brush and had tree branches whack me in the face.  I zigged and I zagged.  I went one way then doubled back.  I set up a search grid.  I just wanted to see that little creation.  I craved that remembrance.  I was yearning for yesterday...

   I climbed over stone walls and then back again.  I wasn't going to give up.  It had to be there.  The woods are so open right now...how could I miss it?  I continued to search...

I finally came near the house and I stopped.  Tears rolled down my cheeks.  I took a breath.  I felt my feet touching the earth and came back to the present.  My son is just 18. He will be graduating this spring.  The teen years have not been easy.  Not bad, but not easy.  Before puberty it was bliss between he and I.  It was the most wonderful time of my life.  I have been telling my self that I am healthily detached from his impending leaving and I will NOT have the empty nest feelings.  It is as it should be.  But today, how I felt in the woods, pointed me to another path that needs to be created.  It is a bittersweet byway of joy and grief as my one and only child goes his merry way.  So I surrendered my search.  I will let that place in the woods be among his many secrets.  I am content with the knowledge that time did exists.  It is now, it is now, it is now....

Happy Trails